Happy Anniversary!

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It was two years ago today. I heard the doctor tell me that I had a blood clot in my lungs. At first I wasn’t sure I heard him right. But make no mistake, it was a pulmonary embolism. The first of two I would suffer that week. Three total since that fateful day. There are some things in life you are just not prepared for. Here’s was one of mine.

Family immediately poured into my hospital room and support was all around me. Yet, there was no greater presence in my life than my husband, my girls, and Sam. They were there with me, in victories and in struggles. I meandered slowly around the hospital floor, they’d cheer from the waiting room.  They’d cluster on the window, giggling, taking photos on the laptop and hanging out.  Patiently waiting on me, and loving me in a hard time.

I remember feeling like a patient on “House” as they deliberated to figure out why this was happening. No matter the reason, there was nothing to change. They tell you how lucky you to be alive, yet rarely prepare you for the journey that lies ahead.

Recovery.

They say it’s hard to understand another’s journey unless you walk in your shoes. I dare say I wouldn’t want you to.

I can’t even begin to explain the changes this life experience has brought about. Much of it necessary and needed in my life. But you know what? I don’t need to explain. That is a wonderful byproduct of this difficult road. Learning to let go.

Freedom.

So much of my life I clung to what I knew, what I could do, what I believed in and what I accomplished to determine who I was. It was this deliberate, yet immediate, shutting down of my life as I knew it that caused this shift to my experiences and eventually to my heart.

Change is a part of life. We all have it. Circumstances that cause us to stop and ponder the view. To take stock of where we are at and  by chance where we are headed. Even with all the physical problems that have cropped up dealing with the pulmonary embolisms, I am thankful.

For it’s in these intense difficult moments that small nuggets emerge which crystalize your view. That scrape away the scales of doubt and fear from your eyes. Perhaps for the first time in yoru life, you really see.

Would I desire to change how things have developed and evolved? Sure, there’s plenty I would want to handle differently.  But since it allowed me to get to this place today, I embrace it. I grab ahold of it fiercely like never before. For what is emerging is truly a resurrection. Not of who I was, but who I am truly am, and who I truly need in my life. God.I am, a survivor, yes. Yet, I am His!

So, I close with His words, not my own.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:16-18

Rebirth

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It’s a new day! I look at this photograph and reflect.

I remember the anticipation waiting for the sun to rise and a new day to be born. As the sun crest over the horizon, bursting forth with color and light, I was reminded of the majesty that surrounds a freshly formed day. The newness of it. The sky awakening with ever changing color and light. The clouds as they roll on by. The birds as they speak their song. Each moment sacred. The time that lies before you will be like none you have had before. Or will have again.

I dare say, it’s a rebirth.

A time to start again. To rethink what has happened before this moment and per chance marvel at what may lie ahead. A time to replenish your soul and be filled with the beauty of a new day and the hope that lies within it. A time to recommit and focus your life in the direction you are called.

For me, it’s that time. A rebirth.

I began this blog as a place to combine some thoughts and explore a journey that has evolved for me. As with each new day that unfolds, sometimes clouds form blocking your view, a constant fog as you see the next step on your journey.

Today, this is my step. A recommitment to me. Not in this wow look at the canvas of my life and see how amazing I am. I venture not. I ever so meekly thinks it might be more a wow, look at my life and how much I need the Maker who makes each day new!

He created me, this person, with all my ambiances and quirks, for this moment in time. To live.  Regardless of the blood clots. To live. Regardless of what has happened in your past. To live. Regardless of what you know of where you are headed this very day. To live.

To look out over the horizon of a new day, and making your choice.

It is in those precious times of reflection, like the birth of a new day, that those sacred truths of who we are, and hope to become, etch ever deeper in our hearts. Like the sun reflecting across the each stone on this beach, is the handprints of my God calling me to come.

It’s a new day, a rebirth, an ever moving journey.

I am eager to walk. Join me.

Another day

So today is another day, left wondering what might be really going on inside my body. That’s the thing about dealing with constant, health problems, doubt creeps in, fears ebb at your trust and you are left hoping for security, but not truly hopeful.

In times of crisis, or times of chaos, there may be friends, family or church members who reach out as you struggle with your health concerns. Rightly so, you are in pain. Some may even call you brave. In truth, you are just trying to accept the day to day reality you now need to live with.

Here’s one issue I struggle with and has really overtaken my life these past few years. Blood clots. Clots that form in your body even when you are doing all the right things, following the doctor’s orders and bam, another one hits. The interesting thing is the reaction from others when you tell them you have a clot. Often they are worried, scared for you, truly concerned. When you begin to think about it, your get scared too. Yet, you face them once again, like before, medicating yourself and asking God to return you to a “normal” life.

At least that’s how I handle them.

My life truly has not been my own, almost each time I have recovered fully from a clot and am released by a doctor, my time is spent “catching up” on things at home that have piled up, it’s a vicious cycle. Stress levels increased  and a chaotic life becomes the norm. And guess what, stress is horrible for someone who has a clotting history, round and round we go!

Blood clots can stay in one place or they can travel in your body, and you can lose your life from them. This is serious business. They are not anything small to play around with.

Wanna know one thing I have learned in this process? Trust yourself. Trust your body and how well you know it. It’s not foolish or  selfish to listen to what your body is saying to you. The more foolish thing would be to ignore it. Listen and get help. Don’t worry about what others think, because they are going to think it regardless of what you do. Judgement comes easy when opinions abound about “what you need to do,” comes. Remember you are the one living this life.

Let’s live it!

My story, just a bit

So, everyone has a story, here’s a small part of mine. If there is one thing that helps define who I am or what’s important to me, it’s this truth.

I am a woman of faith.

I yearn, strive and live desiring a relationship with Him. It’s not something I impose on others, however, it’s just such a part of who I am. I have found as I grow closer to God, my life becomes so much more real and open. I am safe.

I am devoted to family.

I am a wife, mother and daughter. If I could sum up my purpose it would be to leave a legacy. To develop, provide and grow in ways so that I can share it with those I love the most. Am I perfect in this? By no means, far from it! This truth is deep within my being.

Finally, I have come to accept this truth recently, I am sick.

I have battled many physical things through the years, some rather serious, others not so. Just the same, it seems to be my “thorn in the flesh,” literally. I never was sick, especially growing up athletic and involved in sports and fun activiites. But it happens, it’s life. We each are dealt circumstances to deal with, and mine just happen to come upon me in a physical way, keeping me dependent on others, and on God, rather than myself.

Hence, I come full circle.

Whom I desire the most, God, is who upholds me. Am I always faithful? Absolutely not!

Yet my desires remain the same, to be a woman of God in His presence, to be devoted to my family and leave a legacy for the generations that follow me.

That’s a bit of my story, care to share yours?

Transformation

Transition

Transformation, a time when things move from one state of being to another. It’s a part of life and moreso, it’s a choice we make. We can choose to be transformed and to bravely charter a new direction. Yet often we stand still in this mess called, life.

How we choose to change and be transformed, or what we desire to move into in our life, it’s just not set into stone. We have choices. It’s not predetermined what I will do today or how I will use my time. That’s up to me. I hold the power in some sense of how my life will be lived, in trying or in giving up. All with the thought of transformation lurking in the scenes.

Each year fall arrives and the colors of leaves begin their changing process. Cold nights, rain, wind and other weather conditions contribute to the effect of how brilliant, or not so brilliant, the colors become. Sometimes the sun is shining down and their colors radiant through brightly and other times it’s dark, cold, and they are muted. Regardless of how they look, or what we see, change is taking place.

The same is true in our hearts. Change comes from the elements of life pressing in on us. We have times of brightness and joy and other times the darkness just doesn’t lift.

I look at this leaf and wonder, could it have total and complete control on how it changes color? Does it change the same way each year? Perhaps the color tones are richer one year and more subtle the next.
No matter the color, or choice, there is this small truth subtly whispering underneath. Just look at this leaf, sitting there on the branch, connected, rested and quiet, waiting.

One day, the colors will totally drain, the time will come when that leaf will totally let go. No matter what the rain or the sun did, the end result will eventually be full release of the elements surrounding them and tumble to the ground. Those fresh fall leaves will turn into crunchy brown dead ones. Can you hear them?

Does this mean this leaf had no life? Absolutely not. What it reveals to me is that it trusted in the transformation process. In order to be fully transformed to have a new, different life – it needed to die so it could live. Emerging refreshed and fully green once again in the spring. It was time to release itself to the transformation process.

Trusting and knowing that even when it let’s go, rebirth comes.

So let’s stop holding on.

And so it begins…

It’s been a long time coming for this blog.

At one point years ago I had one that was very active. It was a place for theological discussion and musings. I ended up deleting it as it was started as a discussion blog but ended up being one voice, mine.

Well, here I am again, but this time, my plan is to use my voice more freely. To explore thoughts more openly and to ponder the things which are on my heart.

So, here’s how it’ll go. If you want to visit and share your thoughts, by all means, share. The more the conversation flows, the greater our hearts can expand, or the flip side, contract. This may at times be a place where thoughts are poured upon the page, and you may just not agree. That’s okay. All things done in love is what I desire.

Things you may wanna know:

First,  I am a Christian. My faith doesn’t define me in a specific way in what I can or can’t do. Rather it’s part of who I am, what I desire in life and how I persue the things He calls me to. One day at a time. So, there will be times of faith, times of doubt and perhaps times of fear too.

Second, I struggle with health problems. Persistent, long term and at times serious issues. They tug at my heart as well as my body to redefine my thoughts and challenge me to engage life in a new, and hopfully, more purposeful way.

Finally, I kinda like art. I explore various mediums to express myself. It’s part of finding my voice and becoming a stronger person. As I reconnect with that part of me, I may explore richer thoughts, or deepen long standing convictions. I am okay with that, it’s a journey. And I am more than ready.

Are you?