Another day

So today is another day, left wondering what might be really going on inside my body. That’s the thing about dealing with constant, health problems, doubt creeps in, fears ebb at your trust and you are left hoping for security, but not truly hopeful.

In times of crisis, or times of chaos, there may be friends, family or church members who reach out as you struggle with your health concerns. Rightly so, you are in pain. Some may even call you brave. In truth, you are just trying to accept the day to day reality you now need to live with.

Here’s one issue I struggle with and has really overtaken my life these past few years. Blood clots. Clots that form in your body even when you are doing all the right things, following the doctor’s orders and bam, another one hits. The interesting thing is the reaction from others when you tell them you have a clot. Often they are worried, scared for you, truly concerned. When you begin to think about it, your get scared too. Yet, you face them once again, like before, medicating yourself and asking God to return you to a “normal” life.

At least that’s how I handle them.

My life truly has not been my own, almost each time I have recovered fully from a clot and am released by a doctor, my time is spent “catching up” on things at home that have piled up, it’s a vicious cycle. Stress levels increased  and a chaotic life becomes the norm. And guess what, stress is horrible for someone who has a clotting history, round and round we go!

Blood clots can stay in one place or they can travel in your body, and you can lose your life from them. This is serious business. They are not anything small to play around with.

Wanna know one thing I have learned in this process? Trust yourself. Trust your body and how well you know it. It’s not foolish or  selfish to listen to what your body is saying to you. The more foolish thing would be to ignore it. Listen and get help. Don’t worry about what others think, because they are going to think it regardless of what you do. Judgement comes easy when opinions abound about “what you need to do,” comes. Remember you are the one living this life.

Let’s live it!

My story, just a bit

So, everyone has a story, here’s a small part of mine. If there is one thing that helps define who I am or what’s important to me, it’s this truth.

I am a woman of faith.

I yearn, strive and live desiring a relationship with Him. It’s not something I impose on others, however, it’s just such a part of who I am. I have found as I grow closer to God, my life becomes so much more real and open. I am safe.

I am devoted to family.

I am a wife, mother and daughter. If I could sum up my purpose it would be to leave a legacy. To develop, provide and grow in ways so that I can share it with those I love the most. Am I perfect in this? By no means, far from it! This truth is deep within my being.

Finally, I have come to accept this truth recently, I am sick.

I have battled many physical things through the years, some rather serious, others not so. Just the same, it seems to be my “thorn in the flesh,” literally. I never was sick, especially growing up athletic and involved in sports and fun activiites. But it happens, it’s life. We each are dealt circumstances to deal with, and mine just happen to come upon me in a physical way, keeping me dependent on others, and on God, rather than myself.

Hence, I come full circle.

Whom I desire the most, God, is who upholds me. Am I always faithful? Absolutely not!

Yet my desires remain the same, to be a woman of God in His presence, to be devoted to my family and leave a legacy for the generations that follow me.

That’s a bit of my story, care to share yours?

Transformation

Transition

Transformation, a time when things move from one state of being to another. It’s a part of life and moreso, it’s a choice we make. We can choose to be transformed and to bravely charter a new direction. Yet often we stand still in this mess called, life.

How we choose to change and be transformed, or what we desire to move into in our life, it’s just not set into stone. We have choices. It’s not predetermined what I will do today or how I will use my time. That’s up to me. I hold the power in some sense of how my life will be lived, in trying or in giving up. All with the thought of transformation lurking in the scenes.

Each year fall arrives and the colors of leaves begin their changing process. Cold nights, rain, wind and other weather conditions contribute to the effect of how brilliant, or not so brilliant, the colors become. Sometimes the sun is shining down and their colors radiant through brightly and other times it’s dark, cold, and they are muted. Regardless of how they look, or what we see, change is taking place.

The same is true in our hearts. Change comes from the elements of life pressing in on us. We have times of brightness and joy and other times the darkness just doesn’t lift.

I look at this leaf and wonder, could it have total and complete control on how it changes color? Does it change the same way each year? Perhaps the color tones are richer one year and more subtle the next.
No matter the color, or choice, there is this small truth subtly whispering underneath. Just look at this leaf, sitting there on the branch, connected, rested and quiet, waiting.

One day, the colors will totally drain, the time will come when that leaf will totally let go. No matter what the rain or the sun did, the end result will eventually be full release of the elements surrounding them and tumble to the ground. Those fresh fall leaves will turn into crunchy brown dead ones. Can you hear them?

Does this mean this leaf had no life? Absolutely not. What it reveals to me is that it trusted in the transformation process. In order to be fully transformed to have a new, different life – it needed to die so it could live. Emerging refreshed and fully green once again in the spring. It was time to release itself to the transformation process.

Trusting and knowing that even when it let’s go, rebirth comes.

So let’s stop holding on.

And so it begins…

It’s been a long time coming for this blog.

At one point years ago I had one that was very active. It was a place for theological discussion and musings. I ended up deleting it as it was started as a discussion blog but ended up being one voice, mine.

Well, here I am again, but this time, my plan is to use my voice more freely. To explore thoughts more openly and to ponder the things which are on my heart.

So, here’s how it’ll go. If you want to visit and share your thoughts, by all means, share. The more the conversation flows, the greater our hearts can expand, or the flip side, contract. This may at times be a place where thoughts are poured upon the page, and you may just not agree. That’s okay. All things done in love is what I desire.

Things you may wanna know:

First,  I am a Christian. My faith doesn’t define me in a specific way in what I can or can’t do. Rather it’s part of who I am, what I desire in life and how I persue the things He calls me to. One day at a time. So, there will be times of faith, times of doubt and perhaps times of fear too.

Second, I struggle with health problems. Persistent, long term and at times serious issues. They tug at my heart as well as my body to redefine my thoughts and challenge me to engage life in a new, and hopfully, more purposeful way.

Finally, I kinda like art. I explore various mediums to express myself. It’s part of finding my voice and becoming a stronger person. As I reconnect with that part of me, I may explore richer thoughts, or deepen long standing convictions. I am okay with that, it’s a journey. And I am more than ready.

Are you?