The early start, of a long day…


It’s the middle of the night, and the moment I realize again. Life will never be the same. Yes, it’s a constant flurry of activity, moving, going, doing ~ but so little being. Even surrounded by family and friends, yet not still. Quiet.

Oh how I ache for it. So, here I am.

Today I am reminded, just ever so slightly, that my life is  not my own. I think I am getting sick. Not anything major, just some sniffles. Yet, even these sniffles mean no rest for the weary. I cough, I ache, I hurt, I can’t return to sleep.

I sit here wanting to take medications for the coughing, I cant. I want to take some medication to stop the post nasal drip, again, I can’t. All I can ever have is aspirin. Ugh. So this may be the beginning of a long week, I don’t know. Last year I remember I had a pneumonia shot along with a flu shot. It’s time!

You see, these clots I had, I pretend they didn’t do any damage. I make way and think, “Okay, I can handle this.” I push myself. Off I run, doing more – or just what needs to be done, but my body just can’t keep up. This is the hardest thing to accept after a pulmonary embolism. While it’s true you can return to your life and thrive, you still have limitations. Each case is different. I wish it would be clear where I am headed.

I reflected early this morning, that it was just about a year ago I had my 3rd PE. Just what am I in store for this winter? I have no idea. It will be the first winter without a clot in my lung or in recovery in 3 years. Wow.

This life continues to be an exploration and journey. It’s time I listen. If that means I get up in the middle of the night to remember that, then so be it.

And the day begins.

Happy Anniversary!


It was two years ago today. I heard the doctor tell me that I had a blood clot in my lungs. At first I wasn’t sure I heard him right. But make no mistake, it was a pulmonary embolism. The first of two I would suffer that week. Three total since that fateful day. There are some things in life you are just not prepared for. Here’s was one of mine.

Family immediately poured into my hospital room and support was all around me. Yet, there was no greater presence in my life than my husband, my girls, and Sam. They were there with me, in victories and in struggles. I meandered slowly around the hospital floor, they’d cheer from the waiting room.  They’d cluster on the window, giggling, taking photos on the laptop and hanging out.  Patiently waiting on me, and loving me in a hard time.

I remember feeling like a patient on “House” as they deliberated to figure out why this was happening. No matter the reason, there was nothing to change. They tell you how lucky you to be alive, yet rarely prepare you for the journey that lies ahead.


They say it’s hard to understand another’s journey unless you walk in your shoes. I dare say I wouldn’t want you to.

I can’t even begin to explain the changes this life experience has brought about. Much of it necessary and needed in my life. But you know what? I don’t need to explain. That is a wonderful byproduct of this difficult road. Learning to let go.


So much of my life I clung to what I knew, what I could do, what I believed in and what I accomplished to determine who I was. It was this deliberate, yet immediate, shutting down of my life as I knew it that caused this shift to my experiences and eventually to my heart.

Change is a part of life. We all have it. Circumstances that cause us to stop and ponder the view. To take stock of where we are at and  by chance where we are headed. Even with all the physical problems that have cropped up dealing with the pulmonary embolisms, I am thankful.

For it’s in these intense difficult moments that small nuggets emerge which crystalize your view. That scrape away the scales of doubt and fear from your eyes. Perhaps for the first time in yoru life, you really see.

Would I desire to change how things have developed and evolved? Sure, there’s plenty I would want to handle differently.  But since it allowed me to get to this place today, I embrace it. I grab ahold of it fiercely like never before. For what is emerging is truly a resurrection. Not of who I was, but who I am truly am, and who I truly need in my life. God.I am, a survivor, yes. Yet, I am His!

So, I close with His words, not my own.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:16-18

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