It’s the middle of the night, and the moment I realize again. Life will never be the same. Yes, it’s a constant flurry of activity, moving, going, doing ~ but so little being. Even surrounded by family and friends, yet not still. Quiet.
Oh how I ache for it. So, here I am.
Today I am reminded, just ever so slightly, that my life is not my own. I think I am getting sick. Not anything major, just some sniffles. Yet, even these sniffles mean no rest for the weary. I cough, I ache, I hurt, I can’t return to sleep.
I sit here wanting to take medications for the coughing, I cant. I want to take some medication to stop the post nasal drip, again, I can’t. All I can ever have is aspirin. Ugh. So this may be the beginning of a long week, I don’t know. Last year I remember I had a pneumonia shot along with a flu shot. It’s time!
You see, these clots I had, I pretend they didn’t do any damage. I make way and think, “Okay, I can handle this.” I push myself. Off I run, doing more – or just what needs to be done, but my body just can’t keep up. This is the hardest thing to accept after a pulmonary embolism. While it’s true you can return to your life and thrive, you still have limitations. Each case is different. I wish it would be clear where I am headed.
I reflected early this morning, that it was just about a year ago I had my 3rd PE. Just what am I in store for this winter? I have no idea. It will be the first winter without a clot in my lung or in recovery in 3 years. Wow.
This life continues to be an exploration and journey. It’s time I listen. If that means I get up in the middle of the night to remember that, then so be it.
And the day begins.