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The Wait

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The internal clock keeps ticking away.

Tick, tick, tick…

Their hands moving faster and faster. Or at least that is how it seems with each new day. This ever moving, constant rush for saving, preserving, honoring the most precious commodity we all have, time. Yet I sit and, I wait. No matter how much time I hope to collect so I might grab the moment, enjoy it’s walled in perception of peace and protection, I find I need to pause and wait.

Wait for peace. Wait for hope. Wait for healing.

I wait.

There are times I yearn to move forward and spring forth from the places where I am still. Sometimes the darkness closes in, as I wait. For one more doctor appointment, one more lab to be drawn, one more medication, one more appointment to attend to, one more relationship to heal, one more conversation to be had, one more bill to pay, one more family member to visit. One more…..something.

I find that the more my plate overflows, the taller the piles gather around the home and never mind the endless house work neglected!

Still, I wait.

Why?

For healing. Healing in a physical sense, definitely. Yet healing in an emotional and spiritual sense, even more so.

There is something humbling, while also agonizing, about waiting. Like holding back a bull ready to charge. Just as you think it’s ready to move and tackle it’s prey, you pull on the reigns that much harder to make it stop. It’s like this game you play with yourself. You want more, you desire to be free, yet there is something which calls you back, heeds your heart, slows your pace.

You yearn for something, you want more, you crave it. Yet, you are called to wait.

Wait.

This has been the mantra of my life. Just when I think I am read to leap and take this jump of faith, I plummet to the ground. Alas, to wait.

I’ve fully recovered from my surgery and perhaps my internal bleeding will be gone for good. I’ve already had a moment when symptoms started again and the battle in my mind began again. Not wanting to ignore things and circumstances, yet not wanting to over-react. Will there ever be a balance? I find, I must wait. Again. Stop and start. Push and pull. Constant tension, unanswered questions.

The wait.

I know in my waiting, I am not alone. My faith in my God assures me so. Where would I be without Him?

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

This makes it worth the wait.

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5 Minute Friday ~ Red

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Crimson. Dark and flowing.

From His brow it slows trickles down. Sometimes bright but often with interlaced with darker shades of red as it streaks across His face. His arms and legs, bound and nailed, bleed this same color. This dried up, caked on, flowing ~ red.

It’s what’s paid my price. It’s what sets me free. It’s what leads me on. It’s what brings me peace.

His precious blood.

It’s like a free flowing river that doesn’t stop. The tides rise high and low with seasons, yet it’s constant. Movement. Not gushing, a trickle is just enough to cleanse you. I might want to jump right in and be clean, with reckless abandon I fall in. Yet it’s the smallest of crevices that need to be reached, that come clean, in the slow moving, drip by drip, drops of blood….

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This post is part of Five Minute Friday’s, a five minute weekly reflection on a word prompt. No edits, no do overs, just write.  As Lisa writes, “No extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation. Unscripted. Unedited. Real.”

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Reaching

Reaching

Reaching.

Upward, onward, forward and often, backward. This constant process of reaching, of moving and of trying. A never ceasing, unending, constant sense of chaos. Looking for answers to long asked questions. Ever searching.

Like the cattails that sway in the breeze and never sit still. Are our hearts as we search them in the midst of pain.

Pain.

I rarely talk about it. In fact I was reminded as I shared with a precious friend just this weekend how little I do talk and contemplate the turns in life that have come my way. It’s not that I haven’t let them mold me, challenge me, grow me. But, have I spoken to free myself from the fear? Have I spoken so that maybe someone else might gain strength? Have I spoken to find my own voice?

Have I spoken?

I live with daily pain, the kind that takes your breath away so immediately your chest feels like it’s caving in. It hurts to breathe. Yes, read that again. It hurts to breathe. The very thing we take for granted, that sustains our life, brings me pain. That’s the thing about pain. We surprise ourselves on what we can truly endure.

This can also bring me much fear. Not fear in the sense of I can’t catch my breath (although I’ve had a few of those moments), but fear in losing time. Once you have tasted the sweetness of the brevity of life, oh how you want to rewrite the story! I desperately yearn to be reaching.

For more.

Reaching inward, yes. Rearranging my daily activities, responsibilities and priorities so that I honor this life I was blessed with, again.

Reaching outward, yes. Seeking to build a holistic support system around me, calling out for help when I need it.

Reaching upward. To the God who allowed this all to happen in the first place? Not so much. It’s a constant tension to reach out. There’s a cycle of doubt which creeps in, fear takes over and I cave. Like the breathe caught in my chest, is the love I offer my God.

Painful.

Rather than look up, I look backward at what could have been, should have been, on what I had planned. The “if only’s” choke out and I gasp for air again. This time, not because of a clot in my lung, but a clot in the relationship I have with my Father.

I reach. I grasp. I struggle to see His face, to hold His Hand. As I reach out, I find it empty, soaked with tears of grief. Of moments put on hold, memories missed and time lost. There I am, reaching backward once again. I know this path.

What will it take until I learn to no longer look backwards?

Perhaps that’s the point of the pain in the first place.

To trust.

To embrace this clinging, breathing, calming, moment by moment life of rest. That’s where my Father is, waiting for me, in our relationship together. Calling me to come.

Be.

Then the breeze blows, the wind moves and I feel His touch again.

This time, I reach up.

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5 Minute Friday ~ Broken

As I was writing my Five Minute Friday post tonight I realized I had one I never published from weeks ago.

Why not?

So, it’s not technically this particular Friday anymore.

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Broken, it’s who I am, and who I am have become. Broken in that one word I know, it’s why I need.

Him.

I can’t think of a time when anything felt right. Things were okay and fixed. That these everyday moments felt alive and whole. Underlying there’s this ongoing sense of brokenness.

And then I remember.

It’s really NOT who I am. That’s just the lie I have believed all these years. I am not broken. You are not broken. We are in need.

In need of a Saviour, in need of some hope. In need of forgiveness and in need of grace untold.

Shattered pieces of my life are scattered about like pieces of a puzzle. Looking for ways to regain control and put them back together.

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Just Another Step

Today marks another day in recovery for me. I had minor surgery a few days ago. Really, it’s minor.

Yet, somehow it doesn’t feel minor.

My health has been the main reason for this blog. To consider what has been going on with me and try to explore the realties of my  new life. These pulmonary embolisms have totally changed my life. I can’t even express how they have effected me and my entire family. But here’s the hard truth, the stark reality, I am so thankful I am still alive! More often then not you don’t survive a PE.

Since my third PE last fall, I’ve had  a medication change. I am now on Lovenox for life. Coumadin just wasn’t effective for me. I just couldn’t get therapautic. Lovenox is a low dose heparin that I inject into myself twice daily. It works differently within the body than Coumadin does. Each anticoagulant comes with their own risks and concerns. Nothing is ever fail proof. One of the risks of Lovenox is a higher chance of internal bleeding, as well as not being able to stop the bleeding once it starts.

It was the reason for my recent surgery.

It’s been about 10 months of internal bleeding now and I am ready for it to stop! So although the surgery was minor, it’s not minor to me at all, it’s major to me. For it can set me on a new road for recovery. If my internal bleeding finally gets under control, then perhaps the anemia will stop and the fatigue will subside.

I just have to be patient and take it one step at a time. And this?

It’s just another step.

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5 Minute Friday ~ Belong

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Belong ~

That longing to just be. Be who you were created to be. Not something we dream, but who we are. Create a world in which we think we live, in which we hope to move. Yet, in the end of the day, it’s about this one word. Belong.

I do not belong.

Really.

I long for many things, but rarely do I sense that I belong. That I am a part of something bigger than myself. Rather, that which I long for is so much bigger than me. For now, I embrace that freedom. That uniqueness. And I wonder.

Am I really made to belong anyways? Am I to be one with this world? If so, then perhaps, I may need to rethink how I live.

For I am called, into oneness, and I long for it.

Yet, who I long for, what I long for, is something much more than this world. It’s for the Creator of this world Himself.

Maybe then, I will.

Belong.

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This post if the first of my journey into Five Minute Fridays, a 5 minute exploration on a word prompt.

Join along, learn more about it here.

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Balance

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There is something precious about the resources we have in our life. They are limited. Just who has endless energy, untold wealth and unending time?

I daresay, not me!

The saying goes, “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” For me, in this point in my journey, I still struggle to discern whether it’s lemons, limes or mangos being tossed my way. That’s the thing when recovering from life altering circumstances – taking the very first step to access where you are. Just stopping. Yes, I said, stop. Take a look around and per chance get a lay of the land. Catch your breath, breathe in as deep as you can (those of us with prior PE’s know what I mean) and take a good look around. Just be still.

That, takes balance. Balance of the precious gifts of time, energy and relationships.

I use to be the type of person who never said, “no,” who rarely looked at a challenge without seeing a wall to scale or a mountain to be climbed. If someone said it was impossible, I found a way to make it possible. It’s who I was. It defined me. Now, it’s what has broken me.

See, now that I have suffered through this journey of blood clotting in my legs and my lungs, otherwise known as DVT’s and PE’s, my resources have been tapped dry. It wasn’t just the blood clotting, no. It was the emotional and relational fallout from serious changes to mind and body. That which we take for granted. That which we often embrace without a second thought. Now becomes an effort. Now takes time. Now takes planning. This has become the most difficult challenge of recovery.

Balance.

As someone who continually has to readjust the scales of resources and how they get dispersed in life, I often pause to ask myself. Just how do I want to use these up? It’s become this conscious effort of examination, reexamination and determination. Quite frankly, it’s turned what I “knew” into something unknown. No longer do I try to make lemonade, I am still busy looking to see if it’s a lemon in my hand. Or looking for a knife to perhaps slice it open with.

What I found was the slicing that needed to take place was, truth be told, was within my very own heart. I needed to be laid bare, before my God, so I could let Him teach me about that which I truly needed.

I use to think it was a lack of faith on my part to be still. I mean, sure, “Be still and know that I am God,” (Isaiah 46:10) I can quote that. But, can I live it? Could I really live this life, this ever renewing, changing, transformational life or stillness before my Creator? I was still looking for those mountains to climb, yet He took away my stamina. Still searching for those walls to scale, yet He took away my eyes to fully see.

For in being still, in true complete stillness, comes surrender. Comes the reality that you cannot handle what lies ahead without a firm grasp of the Creator’s hand. To find that Hand, I must first see it.

Stillness.

My energy is sapped. My time is overextended. My funds long ago dried up. Those areas where I needed balance in my life, I allowed to get out of control. That which needed my attention, I neglected. My relationships suffered deeply. I needed balance desperately, but I needed stillness even more.

I needed, God.

Toss me some fruit and I could juggle them for quite some time. But ask me to be still. The fruit just falls to the ground. My tendency has been to pick it back up. Yet, my God is calling me to be still and let it rot all around me. Watch it fall my daughter. Let it go. And find Me.

Just stop.

Examine your life. Look at where you energies are focused, where your time is spent and where you money flows. Ask Him to help you find the balance in your life, for you.

Then rest.

The invitation is clear. Come. For when you do, the gift if rest. And I know this weary soul sure needs it.

How about you?

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

 

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Happy Anniversary!

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It was two years ago today. I heard the doctor tell me that I had a blood clot in my lungs. At first I wasn’t sure I heard him right. But make no mistake, it was a pulmonary embolism. The first of two I would suffer that week. Three total since that fateful day. There are some things in life you are just not prepared for. Here’s was one of mine.

Family immediately poured into my hospital room and support was all around me. Yet, there was no greater presence in my life than my husband, my girls, and Sam. They were there with me, in victories and in struggles. I meandered slowly around the hospital floor, they’d cheer from the waiting room.  They’d cluster on the window, giggling, taking photos on the laptop and hanging out.  Patiently waiting on me, and loving me in a hard time.

I remember feeling like a patient on “House” as they deliberated to figure out why this was happening. No matter the reason, there was nothing to change. They tell you how lucky you to be alive, yet rarely prepare you for the journey that lies ahead.

Recovery.

They say it’s hard to understand another’s journey unless you walk in your shoes. I dare say I wouldn’t want you to.

I can’t even begin to explain the changes this life experience has brought about. Much of it necessary and needed in my life. But you know what? I don’t need to explain. That is a wonderful byproduct of this difficult road. Learning to let go.

Freedom.

So much of my life I clung to what I knew, what I could do, what I believed in and what I accomplished to determine who I was. It was this deliberate, yet immediate, shutting down of my life as I knew it that caused this shift to my experiences and eventually to my heart.

Change is a part of life. We all have it. Circumstances that cause us to stop and ponder the view. To take stock of where we are at and  by chance where we are headed. Even with all the physical problems that have cropped up dealing with the pulmonary embolisms, I am thankful.

For it’s in these intense difficult moments that small nuggets emerge which crystalize your view. That scrape away the scales of doubt and fear from your eyes. Perhaps for the first time in yoru life, you really see.

Would I desire to change how things have developed and evolved? Sure, there’s plenty I would want to handle differently.  But since it allowed me to get to this place today, I embrace it. I grab ahold of it fiercely like never before. For what is emerging is truly a resurrection. Not of who I was, but who I am truly am, and who I truly need in my life. God.I am, a survivor, yes. Yet, I am His!

So, I close with His words, not my own.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:16-18

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Rebirth

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It’s a new day! I look at this photograph and reflect.

I remember the anticipation waiting for the sun to rise and a new day to be born. As the sun crest over the horizon, bursting forth with color and light, I was reminded of the majesty that surrounds a freshly formed day. The newness of it. The sky awakening with ever changing color and light. The clouds as they roll on by. The birds as they speak their song. Each moment sacred. The time that lies before you will be like none you have had before. Or will have again.

I dare say, it’s a rebirth.

A time to start again. To rethink what has happened before this moment and per chance marvel at what may lie ahead. A time to replenish your soul and be filled with the beauty of a new day and the hope that lies within it. A time to recommit and focus your life in the direction you are called.

For me, it’s that time. A rebirth.

I began this blog as a place to combine some thoughts and explore a journey that has evolved for me. As with each new day that unfolds, sometimes clouds form blocking your view, a constant fog as you see the next step on your journey.

Today, this is my step. A recommitment to me. Not in this wow look at the canvas of my life and see how amazing I am. I venture not. I ever so meekly thinks it might be more a wow, look at my life and how much I need the Maker who makes each day new!

He created me, this person, with all my ambiances and quirks, for this moment in time. To live.  Regardless of the blood clots. To live. Regardless of what has happened in your past. To live. Regardless of what you know of where you are headed this very day. To live.

To look out over the horizon of a new day, and making your choice.

It is in those precious times of reflection, like the birth of a new day, that those sacred truths of who we are, and hope to become, etch ever deeper in our hearts. Like the sun reflecting across the each stone on this beach, is the handprints of my God calling me to come.

It’s a new day, a rebirth, an ever moving journey.

I am eager to walk. Join me.

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Another day

So today is another day, left wondering what might be really going on inside my body. That’s the thing about dealing with constant, health problems, doubt creeps in, fears ebb at your trust and you are left hoping for security, but not truly hopeful.

In times of crisis, or times of chaos, there may be friends, family or church members who reach out as you struggle with your health concerns. Rightly so, you are in pain. Some may even call you brave. In truth, you are just trying to accept the day to day reality you now need to live with.

Here’s one issue I struggle with and has really overtaken my life these past few years. Blood clots. Clots that form in your body even when you are doing all the right things, following the doctor’s orders and bam, another one hits. The interesting thing is the reaction from others when you tell them you have a clot. Often they are worried, scared for you, truly concerned. When you begin to think about it, your get scared too. Yet, you face them once again, like before, medicating yourself and asking God to return you to a “normal” life.

At least that’s how I handle them.

My life truly has not been my own, almost each time I have recovered fully from a clot and am released by a doctor, my time is spent “catching up” on things at home that have piled up, it’s a vicious cycle. Stress levels increased  and a chaotic life becomes the norm. And guess what, stress is horrible for someone who has a clotting history, round and round we go!

Blood clots can stay in one place or they can travel in your body, and you can lose your life from them. This is serious business. They are not anything small to play around with.

Wanna know one thing I have learned in this process? Trust yourself. Trust your body and how well you know it. It’s not foolish or  selfish to listen to what your body is saying to you. The more foolish thing would be to ignore it. Listen and get help. Don’t worry about what others think, because they are going to think it regardless of what you do. Judgement comes easy when opinions abound about “what you need to do,” comes. Remember you are the one living this life.

Let’s live it!